Silent Still Presence

This morning 
the bell rings for Lauds 

The only postulant in this hermitage 
had just finished his Lectio Divina 

In his lectio, 
his meditatio, 

his oratio 
and his contemplatio 

He felt like he kept saying "yes" to Jesus 
almost as if he is there with Him in today's Gospel reading 

The postulant heads to the door of his cell 
his own private abode 

in which he feebly attempts to open himself to Jesus 
already dressed in his smock 

which he kept on since Vigils 
as he usually does 

He steps out the door of his cell 
foolishly expecting ordinariness 

A feast is set before his eyes 
Delightfully surprising this young boy masquerading as a grown man 

Between the cross atop the church and its bell tower 
A soft, warm gentle rainbow silently announces its still presence 

As he walks in wonder toward the church 
he sees this rainbow extend across the sky and onto the horizon 

Complementing itself with the mountain faithfully waiting for it 
Two lovers passionately embracing 

Completely un-self-conscious of all those below them 
Gawking up at them in wonder 

This magnificent sight 
Presented to this postulant at no cost 

Much like the gentle guidance 
Provided to the postulant during his visit with the Word 

Confirmed by the prior 
standing under this majestic rainbow reveling in it 

who in greeting the postulant
informs this young man, "this is for you."  

After chanting the Psalms during Lauds 
there in the assembly of the faithful 

during the prayers of petition and thanksgiving 
an elderly monk thanks God for the rainbow 

for the symbol 
of God's covenant with us 

and a postulant with much to learn 
thanks God for the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit.  

One's True Identity

As I've described before, in consecrated religious life, the postulancy, the last stage before becoming a monk, is the stage during which one "knocks" to see if one is indeed called to this life.  The words "postulancy" and the word "postulant," for a person in the stage of postulancy, derive from the Latin verb "postulare," which means "to ask."  Over the centuries, men and women showed up at monasteries, convents and hermitages knocking, asking if they would be granted entry into the religious community.  In current times, the terms "postulant" and "postulancy" are used in more figurative senses, to describe the process of asking the religious community, and God, if it seems that God is indeed calling a person to enter that particular religious community. 

In the postulancy, one can be traversing turbulent waters, as one sifts through one's desires and longings.  In such an inquiry, one attempts to plumb the deepest depths of one's heart and soul.  At this point in this life, one is supposed to listen to one's heart.  What is echoing from the deepest recesses of my being?  

Who am I?  In this complex kaleidoscope of my identity, or if it is described as the tapestry of my identity, there are many threads of various colors, widths and textures which are woven together, which make me unique.  To describe my own specific being, I consider especially precious how my soul feels.  I long to feed my soul through loving others, and by listening to God's Holy Spirit.  A person is also made unique by his or her psychological makeup.  We live in physical bodies, so we grapple too with the physical needs and desires we have.  We are also differentiated by the experiences we have had, and by how we have chosen to respond to those experiences.  Thus our choices also come to define us.  

Accordingly, in the postulancy, one weighs all sorts of possibilities which arise.  As one considers joining a particular religious community, other possibilities come to mind.  As a postulant, one weighs the life in the specific religious community in which one is living, along with other vocational possibilities, in light of who one is.  

Some people might say, "You shouldn't be thinking about X or Y or Z.  Those other ways of living have nothing to do with this life.  You're just allowing yourself to be distracted from the monastic life by thinking about those other possibilities."  

However, during the postulancy, as part of the process of knocking to discern if one really is supposed to entire consecrated religious life, one sifts one's desires.  Thus it is entirely appropriate for someone to be considering whether one's vocation truly rests elsewhere, or if one is indeed called to be a monk, brother, sister or nun. 

As one investigates one's true identity, one comes more consciously in touch with powerful energy, which can be channeled toward bringing one closer to God.  At the same time, when becoming more aware of this energy, one can undergo tumultuous times.  Indeed, during the postulancy, sometimes I've felt like I've been on a boat which was being tossed about on stormy waters, and then has been sailing on relatively calm, placid waters amidst crisp, clear blue skies.  And then another internal spiritual storm will arise and challenge the serenity in which I had been living.  Thus as a postulant, it's a repeated experience of being confronted with various possibilities, including one's own desires and needs, in ways which spur one to ponder one's true identity.  

It is important throughout this whole process to be true to oneself.  Some people might think that they should choose a certain vocational option because it's "the right thing" to do.  In fact, the right thing to do is to be yourself.  As you are being yourself, then give as much as you can.  As Frederich Buechner noted, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  Do what brings you true and lasting joy.  Thus profoundly and deeply feed yourself.  As you're finding deep joy, feed others, and address the deep hunger in the world.  In the process, you and others become one.  Amen. 

Brushstrokes Of God

Delicate slender strands of cirrus clouds 

Against a canvas of brilliant blue  

God's brushstrokes