It's So Simple

I hope that all of you who are reading this post are well.  You might wonder why I am writing in this frank style.  I'll just come right out and say it: I am leaving New Camaldoli Hermitage.  My postulancy has already ended.  I will not be continuing on into the novitiate.  However, I am still here at this Camaldolese hermitage, and I do not have plans to leave here right away.  

Some of you likely are wondering at this point about my status here at the hermitage.  Therefore, I will take a few moments to clarify my current standing here; then I'll move on to explaining when and why I'm leaving, and why this lovely place and these remarkable people here are so important to me.  

WHAT IS DIFFERENT FOR ME HERE NOW

Since I'm no longer a postulant, I'm no longer in formation here.  Postulants and monks in simple vows, that is, temporary vows, are being formed, shaped and guided in adjusting to living this monastic life.  Given that I'm not in formation anymore, I won't be attending formation classes.  Nor will I be attending the roughly monthly formation dinner, which is attended by the monks who run the formation program, and by the men who are still in formation, when they're here at the hermitage.  Nor will I be attending a formation collatio, that is, communal lectio divina, for men in formation.  

Since I'm no longer a postulant, I am no longer wearing the light cream-colored smock which had been my signature piece of monastic clothing during Mass and the Liturgy of the Hours.  Thus I will no longer be fielding questions from retreatants, that is, our overnight guests, and other visitors to the hermitage about the smock!  People have often asked me why I had been the only one amongst the monks who was wearing a smock which only came down to my hips, while all of the monks were wearing habits which ended at their ankles.  One playful monk here, when in a mischevious mood, liked to answer that question for me by claiming that I had to wear the smock as a punishment!  I would then sometimes add that I had gone too far with my bad jokes and the monks were punishing me for my horrible sense of humor!  

To continue with what has just changed for me here at the hermitage, I am no longer sitting with the monks during Mass and the Liturgy of the Hours.  In the church, there are two sets of seats which face each other in rows.  In the innermost row on each side sit the monks.  When I was a postulant, I sat in one of those innermost rows right next to the monks.  Now I sit in one of the rows behind them, where the retreatants and our other visitors sit.  

I'm still on the work schedule.  So I'll still be working in the bookstore.  I still might be assigned to wash pots and pans and dishes.  I might still be assigned to clean the library or the monks' recreation room.  I could still be assigned to drive up and down our two-mile long driveway either bringing down our outgoing mail, retrieving our incoming mail, or carting our trash and recyclables to the dumpsters down there.  

I'll still continue driving one of the monks to his doctors' appointments, as I have been doing periodically for the last couple of months.  Incidentally, it is rather unusual for a postulant to be leaving the hermitage as often as I was doing.  If I had continued as a postulant, I would have started making fewer of those trips.  However, given that I am no longer going to be a postulant, I will continue driving him to his appointments as long as he needs me to do so, while I am still here at the hermitage, as one of my work assignments.  

At the hermitage there is a program called "Ora et Labora," which is Latin for "Prayer and Work."  Men who don't necessarily feel called to become monks, but who are interested in coming and living the monastic life here, may come here and work as volunteers and pray with the monks.  Essentially I'm in the status of a participant in the Ora et Labora program at this point.  It looks like at some point before the end of the year, I'll leave the hermitage.  I imagine that at least some of you are wondering what will be next for me.  

WHAT'S NEXT FOR ME, AND WHY

I have been feeling drawn to return to active ministry serving poor people.  Thinking back all the way to when I was a PCT (Peace Corps Trainee), during my first couple of months in Morocco, before I even became a PCV (Peace Corps Volunteer), I remember saying to one of my fellow PCTs, Tory, that I was enthusiastic at the idea of volunteering over and over.  I've thought too of the time period soon after I had returned to the states from Morocco, as I was applying to volunteer programs in which I could serve poor folks here in the states.  I was excited to repeatedly volunteer.  After I had been accepted into the Lasallian Volunteers program and had started teaching 7th graders at a Catholic middle school in a neighborhood prone to gang activity on the south side of Chicago, I had a conversation with my sister which has been recently echoing in my mind.  She asked me what I had most enjoyed doing.  I knew that serving the poorest people, while living as simply as possible, was where I had felt most alive.  As I finished my year volunteering as a teacher in Chicago, I said to one of the Brothers of the Christian Schools, with whom I had been living in spiritual community, with a sigh of relief and relaxation, that I could just keep volunteering.  And then at numerous points during my observership and my postulancy, I often thought of volunteering again.  

I have enjoyed volunteering for many reasons.  I have served others.  In particular, I have served poor persons.  I've felt more and more satisfaction as I've served those who are more and more impoverished.  While volunteering, I have lived simply.  In volunteering, I've tried to humble myself.  As a PCV, I enjoyed much solitude, and, consequently, much silence and stillness.  I capitalized on that solitary, still, silent life to read the entire Bible and many other books, and more and moreso, spiritual writings, particularly Christian writings, given that I'm Christian, and, more specifically, Catholic.  I further plumbed the depths of my spirit by studying The Word of God and meditating upon it.   Thus I lived in conditions in which I was practicing spiritual disciplines which I not only greatly enjoyed, but which positioned me well to be able to listen to God with fewer distractions.  Thus as a PCV I enjoyed elements of my life which were essentially monastic.  

Thus I began considering whether God had been calling me to become a monk.  I began visiting monasteries.  Eventually I entered an observership here at the hermitage, in which I was observing this monastic life more closely, over a period of slightly more than two months.  I requested, and was granted, a postulancy, being able to live here as a postulant, that is, as someone who figuratively knocks and asks if he or she is indeed called to become a member of a specific religious community; in my particular case, I have been living here at this hermitage, and during my postulancy, I was inquiring if I was called to become a monk here.  

I have certainly enjoyed many aspects of the monastic life here.  The monks and I all live in our own separate cells, which are basically separate cottages.  Thus we live in solitude.  Consequently we live in silence.  Here one can sit in stillness for significant periods of time, in which one can be more attentive to God's presence and what God is trying to communicate.  While we live in solitude here, we also enjoy spiritual community here.  We celebrate daily Mass together and we chant and otherwise recite the Liturgy of the Hours together here.  We share lunch together everyday, which is a silent meal only twice a week.  We go on recreational outings together at least once a month.  I have greatly enjoyed all of these facets of this monastic life here.  

Yet I've been missing ministering to impoverished people.  Indeed, not only do I miss serving poor folks, I have come to acknowledge recently that a large degree of my passion rests in serving poor persons.  

WHY NOT A RELIGIOUS ORDER SERVING POOR PEOPLE  

You might be wondering why I don't look into joining a religious order which serves impoverished people.  I have.  

I contacted four orders which minister to poor persons overseas.  All four inquiries ended up with doors closed to me.  

I also looked into religious orders here in the states which serve very poor people.  In the religious orders serving impoverished persons where the monks, friars and brothers live the most simply, they also have age limits which I've already passed.  

Given that I'm no longer going to be in a religious order, which means that I'll no longer be taking a vow of chastity, I imagine that some of you might wonder if I'll get married.  I certainly think it's possible; I can see myself potentially married.  However, while I do desire connection involving intimacy, commitment, mutual support, understanding through shared values, and affection, I am conscious that I don't want those desires to rule me.  A much deeper, and much more profound, desire burns in me to live simply while serving poor persons.  

WHY AND HOW BEING HERE HAS HELPED SO MUCH

I've often wondered how to communicate the intensity of the energy and love I sometimes feel for various endeavors and people, including my love of impoverished persons.  I've also often wondered, after occasionally feeling bursts of such energetic and dynamic love, if I would ever harness that tremendous energy, if I would ever focus it, channel it, direct it and apply it.  Due to common misconceptions, I hesitate, and thus gingerly introduce the term "eros" here.  The word "eros" applies much more broadly than many people think.  Many people conceive of eros as applying solely to sexual energy.  Certainly eros encompasses sexual energy.  However, it also includes within its scope our creative energy.  It is in this sense of a powerful life-giving force which supplies us with our creative energy, that I will use the term "eros" here.  It is in this sense that I analogize to the eros in me when I think of the one horse with all of the energy, in the team of four horses working together, in the film "Ben-Hur."  I think of that one energetic horse as a symbol for my eros.  

Some people might wonder why I came here to this hermitage.  I definitely think that in coming here to the hermitage as an observer, and also returning here to the hermitage as a postulant, I did not make mistakes.  I was seeking monastic elements of life which I had enjoyed in Morocco.  Very recently I have come to see stillness and silence as counterweights to my eros, in effect moderating my eros, the passionate excitement and unbridled energy I have to serve poor people.  If we don't control, that is, focus and channel, and thus properly express our passions, they can undo us.  In my reading of the third-century and fourth-century and fifth-century spiritual teachers Origen, Evagrius, John Cassian and the Desert Fathers, for the classes I've taken as a postulant here at the hermitage, I've learned about the dangers of disordered passions, how to conceptualize them, and practical strategies for managing them.  Saint Romuald, the founder of the Camaldolese Congregation of monks, a half millenium later, wisely counseled, "Sit in your cell as in paradise."  Sit in stillness.  Be silent.  Listen.  Calm yourself.  Exercise discipline.  Moderate yourself so as to make wise, prudent decisions.  Over the last few years, I've increasingly come to focus more intensely on such interiority.  I've come to conclude that interiority is part of the proper foundation for doing anything.  Attend to the inner life, and the outer life will be properly ordered.  

Thus, I feel that in deciding to leave here with the fruits of this contemplative life, is, in a way, reflective of the approach which is often advocated by contemplatives.  Sometimes contemplatives encourage others to go into solitude, silence and stillness as they themselves do.  Then, out of their contemplative treasure trove, they bring the gems and treasures they have realized there, to be shared and applied and invested in a life of more actively ministering to others.  Thus I've come to analogize and see contemplative practices as analogous to the calmer, more steady horse of the four horses in the team in "Ben-Hur."  The contemplative tendencies in me moderate the unbridled eros which is being expressed in my excitement and eagerness to pour out myself in serving impoverished people.  

I've also thought recently of the Prophet Elijah journeying into the wilderness.  He lay down and, it seemed, was being not only counseled, but advised, even perhaps urged, by an angel of God, "Get up and eat, or the journey will be too much for you!"  He got up, ate, and drank; then, strengthened by that food, he walked forty days and forty nights to the mountain of God.  1 Kings 19:7-8.  I am again speaking symbolically.  Get up and eat.  Drink, absorb the silence, solitude and stillness as nourishment.  Inhale, take in, learn from the silence and solitude and stillness as tools you can use on the journey.  I feel as if God has told me, you need these tools, or else the journey will be too much for you.  

In the film "Ben-Hur," the main character, named Judah Ben-Hur, tells the horse with so much energy, "It is nine times around the circus," meaning there are nine laps to complete.  I've imagined that chariot race in which Judah guides the horses as an analogy to me repeatedly volunteering.  Each time the charioteers completed a lap, a large golden fish sculpture was turned over, signifying the completion of that lap.  I've imagined that as I complete a term of volunteer service, one of those fish is turned over.  I've considered how to properly channel the eros in me, the creative energy and excitement and ambition in me, so that I can complete all of the times around the circus, so I can finish all of the laps.  

I am not literally racing, against myself or anyone else.  However, St. Paul presents another excellent analogy.  He writes that in one's spiritual journey, one should run so that one may obtain the prize.  He further writes that athletes must exercise self-control.  1 Corinthians 9:24-25.  So too must we exercise control over ourselves so as to achieve the spiritual goals we wish to realize.  Thus, as St. Paul described of himself, I press on toward the goal.  Philippians 3:14.  

Sitting in contemplation, attending to my inner being, I am calmed.  In practicing the spiritual disciplines, I am led to properly control and effectively channel my passion for service.  I don't want to exhaust myself with overexcitement before I've delivered the service I wish to donate.  

A MORE HOLISTIC APPROACH NOW

Don't you see?  So much makes so much sense now.  It is true that many parts of me have been fed here.  I have been enjoying worshipping God and celebrating His many blessings here.  I've enjoyed the spiritual community here with the monks, workers and our guests.  My personality has suited me to being here.  I'm an introvert, in the sense that I recharge by spending time alone.  There's plenty of time alone here!  Yet I've also been drawn to spend time in solitude because I ardently desire to feel God's presence.  I seek God's face.  A monk desires nothing more than to see the face of God.  

I do indeed fervently wish to see the face of God.  It is in this vein that I feel that one of these wise Camaldolese monks framed a vocational question well for me. He asked me if I have an inner monk inside me the volunteer, or if I have a passion for service inside me the monk.  I have an inner monk, who needs to have his say at the table where all the different parts of me sit down and help determine how I am going to live my life.

Who else is also at this decision-making table?  Honestly, there's also my inner child sitting at the table.  There's my thirst for adventure.  There's my desire to serve poor folks and live amongst them.  There's my anima, that is, the feminine side of me, who is my muse, my inspiration.  All of these parts of me, and others as well, must have their say in what I do next, or I will be miserable, and will make others miserable, whether I am living in a community of monks, or back out there in the world again ministering to poor folks.  

In coming here to this hermitage and while living there, I have been feeding my inner monk.  Thus, in living this monastic life, I did not make a mistake.  I've imagined if I forced myself to become a monk here, and stay as a monk for my whole life, that once I passed away, God would very well say to me, "I put a thirst for living simply, and a love of living amongst poor people, and a love of serving them, into your heart, into your soul, into your spirit, into the very core of your being.  It brought you so much joy to live simply and live amongst, and to serve, poor persons.  Why didn't you use those gifts more?  It wasn't a task for you to live that way and serve them; it was just the opposite; you reveled in it; it made you feel alive.  I made it so easy for you to do so.  Why did you make it so hard for yourself?"  My mind hearkens back more than a couple of decades to one of my high school teachers.  I asked him to write a note to me in my senior year yearbook: amongst other scribblings, he succinctly advised me, "Never stop thinking.  Stop thinking so much."  

I recently concluded that I had been wondering and thinking too much about what my vocation is, rather than just realizing what my vocation is through how I feel.  I would have done poorly to stay here for a much longer time due to overthinking my vocation.  In contrast, I have felt that thus far I have well spent my time here.  In being here at this hermitage, I have been learning in a school of the service of the Lord our God.  I have had important lessons to learn here.  Having received the necessary instruction, then tarry not.  Leave in a timely manner.  Leave when it is appropriate.  

WHY I'LL LEAVE WHEN I'LL LEAVE

I do wish to stay here at the hermitage for roughly the amount of time to which I had committed.  Typically a postulancy here lasts from about 10 to 12 months.  I started the postulancy in February.  Thus I would like to stay here until December.  

Some of you might be wondering why my postulancy ended before eight months had elapsed, if a postulancy here is usually 10 to 12 months long.  I had said to my postulant-master, that is, the monk primarily responsible for mentoring me here, that although I supposed it was theoretically possible that my longing, to return to serving poor persons, could wane, and that I could shift to desiring to stay here, I thought that such a shift was very unlikely.  After my postulant-master shared this sentiment of mine with the other monks on the formation team, I heard that they explained that once a man reaches such a conclusion, usually the postulancy ends.  The postulant has discerned that he does not feel called to become a monk here, so the purpose of the postulancy has been achieved, and thus the postulancy ends.  Although the aim of the postulancy has been reached, still I wish to remain here for the approximate amount of time I had planned when I began the postulancy.  

In addition to wishing to stay here to fulfill my commitment to be here for the amount of time I had originally planned, I also want to leave in an emotionally and socially appropriate manner.  These monks, and the workers here and I have grown close to each other.  We have established emotional bonds with each other.  We're fond of each other.  So I don't want to leave abruptly.  As my mom is still in touch with the Discalced Carmelite nuns with whom she was a nun 50 years ago before she got married, I too see myself being in touch with these monks for decades to come.  Hence I have been emotionally processing my experience here.  I have felt that leaving here has a bittersweet taste.  I am excited to again minister to poor people, yet I have been sad that I am going to leave these wonderful people with whom I have lived, prayed and worked.  I have found my wistfulness to be moderated by knowing that I will be in touch with these magnificent people.  Also, hopefully, I will be able to come back to visit in between my terms of service to impoverished people, whom I so love to serve.  

THE PLACE GOD CALLS YOU...

So I am leaving here not to do a task.  I am departing here not to carry a burden.  Rather I enjoy living simply and serving impoverished people.  I recall once again the words of Frederich Buechner, who advises, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  

Also I recall the film "In America," even though I haven't seen it since it was released in theatres around a decade ago.  In it a married man asks another man, "Are you in love with my wife?"  

The other man replies, "Yes."  An uncertain pause ensues.  Then he continues, "And I'm in love with you."  He goes on to say how he is in love with this other person, and that other person, and so on.

In our culture, people who express themselves in such a way might be seen as not only unusual but also bizarre.  However, God does indeed call us to love everyone.  We are to love God and love our neighbor.  How?  Be yourself.  Do what God has called YOU in particular to do.  It's so simple.  Love is simple.  Amen.  

Silent Still Presence

This morning 
the bell rings for Lauds 

The only postulant in this hermitage 
had just finished his Lectio Divina 

In his lectio, 
his meditatio, 

his oratio 
and his contemplatio 

He felt like he kept saying "yes" to Jesus 
almost as if he is there with Him in today's Gospel reading 

The postulant heads to the door of his cell 
his own private abode 

in which he feebly attempts to open himself to Jesus 
already dressed in his smock 

which he kept on since Vigils 
as he usually does 

He steps out the door of his cell 
foolishly expecting ordinariness 

A feast is set before his eyes 
Delightfully surprising this young boy masquerading as a grown man 

Between the cross atop the church and its bell tower 
A soft, warm gentle rainbow silently announces its still presence 

As he walks in wonder toward the church 
he sees this rainbow extend across the sky and onto the horizon 

Complementing itself with the mountain faithfully waiting for it 
Two lovers passionately embracing 

Completely un-self-conscious of all those below them 
Gawking up at them in wonder 

This magnificent sight 
Presented to this postulant at no cost 

Much like the gentle guidance 
Provided to the postulant during his visit with the Word 

Confirmed by the prior 
standing under this majestic rainbow reveling in it 

who in greeting the postulant
informs this young man, "this is for you."  

After chanting the Psalms during Lauds 
there in the assembly of the faithful 

during the prayers of petition and thanksgiving 
an elderly monk thanks God for the rainbow 

for the symbol 
of God's covenant with us 

and a postulant with much to learn 
thanks God for the gentle guidance of the Holy Spirit.  

One's True Identity

As I've described before, in consecrated religious life, the postulancy, the last stage before becoming a monk, is the stage during which one "knocks" to see if one is indeed called to this life.  The words "postulancy" and the word "postulant," for a person in the stage of postulancy, derive from the Latin verb "postulare," which means "to ask."  Over the centuries, men and women showed up at monasteries, convents and hermitages knocking, asking if they would be granted entry into the religious community.  In current times, the terms "postulant" and "postulancy" are used in more figurative senses, to describe the process of asking the religious community, and God, if it seems that God is indeed calling a person to enter that particular religious community. 

In the postulancy, one can be traversing turbulent waters, as one sifts through one's desires and longings.  In such an inquiry, one attempts to plumb the deepest depths of one's heart and soul.  At this point in this life, one is supposed to listen to one's heart.  What is echoing from the deepest recesses of my being?  

Who am I?  In this complex kaleidoscope of my identity, or if it is described as the tapestry of my identity, there are many threads of various colors, widths and textures which are woven together, which make me unique.  To describe my own specific being, I consider especially precious how my soul feels.  I long to feed my soul through loving others, and by listening to God's Holy Spirit.  A person is also made unique by his or her psychological makeup.  We live in physical bodies, so we grapple too with the physical needs and desires we have.  We are also differentiated by the experiences we have had, and by how we have chosen to respond to those experiences.  Thus our choices also come to define us.  

Accordingly, in the postulancy, one weighs all sorts of possibilities which arise.  As one considers joining a particular religious community, other possibilities come to mind.  As a postulant, one weighs the life in the specific religious community in which one is living, along with other vocational possibilities, in light of who one is.  

Some people might say, "You shouldn't be thinking about X or Y or Z.  Those other ways of living have nothing to do with this life.  You're just allowing yourself to be distracted from the monastic life by thinking about those other possibilities."  

However, during the postulancy, as part of the process of knocking to discern if one really is supposed to entire consecrated religious life, one sifts one's desires.  Thus it is entirely appropriate for someone to be considering whether one's vocation truly rests elsewhere, or if one is indeed called to be a monk, brother, sister or nun. 

As one investigates one's true identity, one comes more consciously in touch with powerful energy, which can be channeled toward bringing one closer to God.  At the same time, when becoming more aware of this energy, one can undergo tumultuous times.  Indeed, during the postulancy, sometimes I've felt like I've been on a boat which was being tossed about on stormy waters, and then has been sailing on relatively calm, placid waters amidst crisp, clear blue skies.  And then another internal spiritual storm will arise and challenge the serenity in which I had been living.  Thus as a postulant, it's a repeated experience of being confronted with various possibilities, including one's own desires and needs, in ways which spur one to ponder one's true identity.  

It is important throughout this whole process to be true to oneself.  Some people might think that they should choose a certain vocational option because it's "the right thing" to do.  In fact, the right thing to do is to be yourself.  As you are being yourself, then give as much as you can.  As Frederich Buechner noted, "The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  Do what brings you true and lasting joy.  Thus profoundly and deeply feed yourself.  As you're finding deep joy, feed others, and address the deep hunger in the world.  In the process, you and others become one.  Amen. 

A Restless Heart

Today is the feast day of Saint Augustine, so today in the Catholic Church--as well as in the Episcopal, Lutheran and Anglican Churches--we commemorate this particular saint on this specific date on the calendar, as we do with other saints on other dates.  Yesterday was the feast day of Saint Monica, the mother of Saint Augustine, who prayed tirelessly for the spiritual welfare of Saint Augustine.  In recalling saints on their feast days, we remember them during prayers.  At Vigils, we hear ecclesial readings by and about these specific saints.  During Mass, the priest might mention the particular saint during the sermon.  As was the case today, the priest presiding at Mass devoted his entire homily to sharing about Saint Augustine.

Saint Augustine tirelessly sought the truth, including its origin, and the truth of his own identity.  In his book which he aptly entitled "Confessions," which he addressed to God, Saint Augustine asserts how wretched he feels he had been before he realized his true identity in God.  Last month I finished reading his "Confessions," which resonated in my being.  In his "Confessions," Saint Augustine contends, "You have made us for Yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in You."

I myself have sought to satisfy the deepest longings of my heart, my soul and my spirit.  I have continued craving a kind of satisfaction which never dissipates.

When I was a lawyer, I was dissatisfied.  Honestly I am grossly understating the state of my being during that period of my life.  As an attorney I was forcing myself for years to stay in a profession which I knew was not my vocation.  Back in those days I did not ask myself what my vocation was, that is, the particular pursuit to which God was calling me.  I merely kept being a lawyer so I could pay off my debt in what seemed to be the quickest way possible, and, as I thought of it back then, so I could get on to doing whatever it was that I was really supposed to be doing.

While I was a lawyer, even though I had read nearly none of the writings of the Trappist monk Thomas Merton, in essence I had already long felt the truth of many of Merton's statements about our spiritual identities.  Often I have thought of one of his statements which essentially communicates the sentiment that maybe I will be happy if I do what I think will bring me happiness, rather than continuing to try to do what others think will make me happy.

Thus I quit my well-paying job as an attorney where I had excellent benefits.  I joined the Peace Corps.  I moved to Morocco.  I moved to the desert.  There I enjoyed solitude, silence and stillness in the many hours when I had no work to do.  I spent that quiet time alone engrossed in spiritual reading.  I sought God.  In that silence, solitude and stillness, I felt I could better hear God.

Thus for years now I have been trying to listen to God.  I have been trying to follow His plan for my life.  It was in Morocco that I first wondered if God had been calling me to be a monk.  Following this potential invitation, I began visiting monasteries.  Continuing to respond to how God seemed to be calling me to become a monk, I became a postulant here at this hermitage.

The word "postulant" comes from the Latin verb "postulare," which means "to ask."  A postulant is one who asks to be admitted into a religious order.  Postulants are seen as knocking, asking for admission into monasteries and hermitages.  They are seeking permission to enter.  They are trying to determine if they have properly discerned a call to consecrated religious life in a particular religious order.

I feel that my consideration of my inquiry into the accuracy of my vocational discernment is brought into appropriate relief this week in particular.  Now, this week, the monks here and I are on our community retreat.  We have a week's time in which we are able to focus more on contemplation.  We continue to have Mass and the Liturgy of the Hours this week, for the most part as regularly scheduled.  However, the monks and I are not on the work schedule this week.  The employees of the hermitage and some volunteers are working here this week.  With the additional time freed up this week, I have been spending much time immersed in spiritual reading.  I have been spending more time alone, more time silent.  I have found myself more easily sitting still.  In the more intense silence and solitude and stillness, we are better disposed to listen to God.

Our retreat master, a Franciscan priest, is leading us through seminars covering Franciscan influences on Thomas Merton, including the medieval Franciscan priest Duns Scotus.  Scotus seems to have heavily influenced Merton's ideas about our true selves and our false selves.  Merton asserts that our true self is who God has always intended us to be.  Our false self is anything else and everything else.  Our false self is peddled to us by certain societal expectations, by various kinds of advertising, by anyone and anything which leads us away from what God has in mind for us.

People often trick themselves into thinking that they want and need things other than they truly, most deeply desire and require.  When in solitude, amidst silence and stillness, away from distractions, one can effectively plumb the depths of one's being.  In the deepest recesses of our souls, we can find the answer of what our truest identity is.

For a long time I have been asking myself if I have been becoming more and more the person God has always meant me to be.  When I was much younger, I was asking the question less consciously.  These days I pose the question much more explicitly.

I have read, and, over time, I have come to believe, that God created us to love and serve and praise Him, and to love and serve our neighbor.  There are many ways to love and serve and praise God and to love and serve our neighbor.  I would suggest to all people that they should indeed inquire how to love and serve and praise God and how to love and serve your neighbor.  However, I urge all people to question themselves more specifically.  How is God asking you in particular, you, the specific person you are, to love and serve and praise Him, and how God is asking you in particular to love and serve your neighbor?  

God wants you to use the skills that God has given to you.  God wants you to be happy as you love and serve and praise Him and as you love and serve your neighbor.  Thus Frederich Buechner has opined that "the place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

I feel joy here.  It may very well be that I feel this buoyancy here because I am being who and what God wants me to be.  I hope that I am always submitting to, and living as fully as I can, the truth of who and what God has always intended me to be.  My Lord and my God, not my will be done, but Your will be done.  Amen.  

Listening To God

As I've previously mentioned on this blog, here at the hermitage we follow an ancient monastic practice toward the Bible called lectio divina.  Monks engage in lectio divina individually in their cells, or rooms, here at the hermitage.  We also host communal study of Scripture called collatio.

Lectio divina consists of four facets: lectio, meditatio, oratio and contemplatio.  Theoretically one follows these four stages in this order.

On the face of it, lectio is reading the words of Scripture.  However, when done properly, one rests upon the words so as to more likely absorb greater significance of them.  

Meditatio is meditating upon the Word.  During meditatio, ideally we are open to letting the Word grow in our hearts, to transform us into more than we have been.   

In oratio, we pray to God.  However, through oratio, we pray without words.  We pray in an attempt to open ourselves to what God is saying to us.  

During contemplatio, we sit silently in the presence of God.  We enjoy the stillness which is conducive to embracing and feeling God's presence.  

As I mentioned above, in addition to individual lectio divina in private, we also host collatio, a communal lectio divina.  We invite our retreatants who stay with us overnight to join us for collatio.  

As a postulant, and thus as someone in formation, being formed, shaped and molded in this monastic life, I also attend a separate, generally smaller collatio for myself and the monk in simple vows here.  Monks who are our mentors organize this collatio.  They, the monk in simple vows and I take turns leading this formation collatio.  

Recently I led this formation collatio.  I led the collatio on Proverbs 2:1-9 and on Matthew 19:27-29.  The text of Proverbs 2:1-9 is 

My son, if you take my words to heart 
and lay up my commands in your mind, 
giving your attention to wisdom 
and your mind to understanding, 
if you seek her out like silver 
and dig for her like buried treasure, 
then you will understand the fear of the Lord 
and attain to the knowledge of God; 
for the Lord bestows wisdom 
and teaches knowledge and understanding.  
Out of his store he endows the upright with ability 
as a shield for those who live blameless lives; 
for he guards the course of justice 
and keeps watch over the way of his loyal servants. 
Then you will understand what is right and just  
and keep only to the good man's path[.]  

The text of Matthew 19:27-29 is 

Peter said, "We here have left eveything to become your followers.  What will there be for us?"  

Jesus replied, "I tell you this: in the world that is to be, when the Son of Man is seated on His throne in heavenly splendor, you My followers will have thrones of your own, where you will sit as judges of the twelve tribes of Israel.  And anyone who has left brothers or sisters, father, mother, or children, land or houses for the sake of My name will be repaid many times over, and gain eternal life."  

A couple days after I was leading this formation collatio on these two Scripture readings, these same Scripture readings were going to be read during Mass.  On that particular day at Mass, we were going to be celebrating the feast of Saint Benedict.  We were going to be remembering and commemorating Saint Benedict, who, as the founder of the Benedictine order of monks, is widely seen as the father of western Christian monasticism.  

Once I started reviewing these Scripture readings in preparation for this formation collatio, I began to get excited.  In these Scripture passages, I was hearing echoes of the Rule of Saint Benedict, his set of guidelines for abbots and priors who run monasteries and the other monks who live in monasteries.  In the Prologue of the Rule of Saint Benedict, Saint Benedict writes 

Listen carefully, my son, 
to your master's precepts, 
and incline the ear of your heart (Proverbs 4:20).  
Receive willingly and carry out effectively 
your loving father's advice, 
that by the labor of obedience 
you may return to Him 
from whom you had departed by the sloth of disobedience.  
To you, therefore, my words are now addressed, 
whoever you may be, 
who are renouncing your own will 
to do battle under the Lord Christ, the true King, 
and are taking up the strong, bright weapons of obedience.  
And first of all, 
whatever good work you begin to do, 
beg of Him with most earnest prayer to perfect it, 
that He who has now deigned to count us among His children 
may not at any time be grieved by our evil deeds.  
For we must always so serve Him 
with the good things He has given us, 
that He will never as an angry Father disinherit His children, 
nor ever as a dread Lord, provoked by our evil actions, 
deliver us to everlasting punishment 
as wicked servants who would not follow Him to glory.  

Both the second chapter of Proverbs and the Prologue of the Rule address the recipient as "my son."  The Rule continues this relationship of parent and child, indicating that the guidance in the rule is "your loving father's advice," and advising the recipient to serve God well so that He will not disinherit us as an angry father would.  

Yet Saint Benedict was analogizing when he spoke in the words of the parent-child relationship.  He was not literally speaking of a father and son relationship between human beings.  Indeed, in the reading from the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus calls us to love and serve God first and foremost.  Jesus tells us that if, for the sake of loving God and our neighbor, we move away from our earthly families, and leave them so we can better love and serve others, we will greatly benefit.  If we sacrifice more, give much more for the love of God and of our neighbor, God will reward us.  If we give up what we have, we inherit from God.  We become more than we have been.  

Such are the types of guidance one seeks in lectio divina.  We aim to still and silence ourselves so as to better listen to God.  In lectio divina, we aspire to be open to what God has to say to us, how God wants to direct us, counsel us, nourish us, and help us evolve into people better than we have been.  Through His Word, God seeks to strip away all which would separate us from God.  

Once we have tried to listen to the Word of God, ideally we have been purified by the Word of God.  Having purified hearts, we can bring such joyous contentment into our functioning throughout our day.  Having listened well to God in lectio divina, we are thus prepared to listen to Him well as we progress through the rest of our day.  Listening to the Lord well, we are thus also prepared, indeed, properly equipped, lovingly to listen to, and to serve, our neighbor.  One should not mistake such benefits of active ministry as being more valuable than such foundational contemplative transformation.  Having been thus transformed through, with and in the Holy Spirit, it becomes less important what we do: we are more importantly living in communion with Him, a relational foundation which we must have for anything and everything we do, if what we do is to have the meaning which God wills it to have.  

The Next Step

Earlier this month, on a gloriously sunny Sunday, punctuated by clear blue skies, one of the monks here at the hermitage, Brother James, made his profession of simple vows, that is, temporary vows.  After a year as a postulant and then a year as a novice monk, he vowed, or promised, that for the next three years, he will keep living as a monk in this community.

He vowed that he will continue living a life of poverty, chastity and obedience.  Insofar as this is a community of Benedictine monks, and all Benedictine monks also make a vow of stability to a particular monastery, he is also agreeing to live as a member of this particular monastic community here at this specific hermitage.

In this life of poverty, no monk is earning money to keep for himself.  In Chapter 33 of the Rule of Saint Benedict, Saint Benedict directs monks to hold all property in common, aspiring to emulate the Apostles of Jesus Christ who, as is described in Acts 4:32, freely shared their property with each other.

Chastity requires refraining from sexual activity, but it entails much more than simply abstaining from sexual relations.  A chaste person holds people and possessions in right relation with himself or herself.  One who is chaste respects other individuals and property; he or she properly treats persons and things.

Obedience is reflected in various ways.  One is called to be obedient to God.  A monk is required to show obedience to the prior, or head, of the monastery.  Yet as Father Cyprian, the prior, noted in his homily the day Brother James made his profession of simple vows, a monk vows obedience to the other monks of the community, as Chapter 71 of the Rule of Saint Benedict instructs. 

I found compelling and moving Brother James' profession of simple vows.  It was powerful to witness him, before a church full of people, including much of his extended biological family, vowing to keep living a life of poverty, chastity, obedience and stability in this hermitage for another three years. 

And what is the next step for me?  Whether or not it is a day on which I take a big step, every day presents many little steps, or choices, or decisions, for me.  Each day I am presented with opportunities which have the potential to help whittle down my ego.  The more we relinquish our conceptions of ourselves and let go of our own ideas, and the less we insist on being right and the less we cling to our perceptions of situations, the more we can give to God.  To draw closer to God, we have to unlearn what we think we know.  We must have the humility to realize that there is a great deal which we have been getting wrong and which we do not know. 

A person could easily become quite uncomfortable when faced with these types of psychological demands which are entailed in dismantling one's defense mechanisms.  One must be courageous to persist in such a spiritual endeavor.  Yet a person becomes less anxious in the midst of such otherwise unnerving challenges if he or she remembers that God is always faithful and without a doubt will be true to His Word.  He will help us draw closer to Him. 

Thus the question really becomes one of what I want.  In discerning whether I take the next step, whether I continue in this monastic life, I recall how one of the new monks here framed this very question evaluating whether to keep living this monastic life: "Do I like the changes which are taking place in me?"  One could rephrase this question so that one inquires, "Do I like the work which God is doing in me?"  Alternatively one could ask, "Do I like who I am becoming?" 

In posing these questions, and in responding how we do, we are choosing how we shape our eternal destiny.  Therefore, I assert that each and every one of us everyday should be asking ourselves such questions. 

Assurance Of Love

Recently at Mass we heard the Gospel reading of the return of the Prodigal Son, from Luke 15:11-32.  Since it is a good reminder of the expression of God's steadfast love for us, here it is: 

Jesus said, “A man had two sons, and the younger son said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of your estate that should come to me.’  So the father divided the property between them.   

After a few days, the younger son collected all his belongings and set off to a distant country where he squandered his inheritance on a life of dissipation.  When he had freely spent everything, a severe famine struck that country, and he found himself in dire need.  So he hired himself out to one of the local citizens who sent him to his farm to tend the swine. And he longed to eat his fill of the pods on which the swine fed, but nobody gave him any.  

Coming to his senses he thought, ‘How many of my father’s hired workers have more than enough food to eat, but here am I, dying from hunger.  I shall get up and go to my father and I shall say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.   I no longer deserve to be called your son; treat me as you would treat one of your hired workers.”’   

So he got up and went back to his father. While he was still a long way off, his father caught sight of him, and was filled with compassion. He ran to his son, embraced him and kissed him.  His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.’  But his father ordered his servants, ‘Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. Then let us celebrate with a feast, because this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.’ Then the celebration began. 

Now the older son had been out in the field and, on his way back, as he neared the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing. He called one of the servants and asked what this might mean. The servant said to him, ‘Your brother has returned and your father has slaughtered the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’   

He became angry, and when he refused to enter the house, his father came out and pleaded with him.  He said to his father in reply, ‘Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends.  But when your son returns who swallowed up your property with prostitutes, for him you slaughter the fattened calf.’  He said to him, ‘My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours.  But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’”

In the parable, the father represents God.  The younger son is a person who ignores God's will and goes off and seeks pleasures for himself or herself.  The elder son is someone who has been faithful to God for years.  When the younger son asks for his share of the inheritance, the father gives it.  That is to say, God gives us our freedom; he gives us free will.  He lets us do as we please.  When we come back to Him, even after years of focusing on our own pleasures, God gladly welcomes us.  The elder son, that is, the faithful servant of God, might be resentful of joyous celebration of such events, after having been so dutiful for so long.  God and the angels in Heaven celebrate at such a marvelous, wonderful turn of events: he or she who was once lost, is now found.  Someone who used to be concerned so much with his or her own pleasure, is now much more concerned with serving God and his or her neighbor. 

Although I don't feel like I particularly identify with the elder son in the story, when we were listening to this Gospel reading that day during Mass, my tear ducts opened when I heard the father in the story say, "Son, you are always with me.  All that is mine is yours."  Even though I don't especially feel that the elder son in this parable resonates with me, I think that I felt so touched by these words because the words still speak to me.  Furthermore, I believe I had that emotional reaction because of who in the story was speaking them.  I was interpreting them as God's message to each one of us, and, consequently, to me.

I write this blog post from a position of relative comfort with my vocation, with my calling to the monastic life.  I know, both intellectually as I evaluate my reasons for beginning a postulancy, as well as spiritually, just in terms of how my spirit feels nourished and warmed in being here, that I have discerned well my decision to live a monastic life here.  However, already during my postulancy, there have been periods when I have felt spiritually dry.  At times God has seemed to be not close to me.  Sometimes I have prominently felt deprived of the spiritual nourishment and encouragement and guidance from the Holy Spirit which I felt on previous visits here.  Thus when I heard, in this Gospel reading, that God is always with me, and that everything He has is mine, I knew that God has been assuring me of His presence and warmth and love and guidance, even when He has seemed far from me. 

I also thought of this Gospel reading in another significant way in the last couple of weeks.  Although I don't focus on the interpersonal conflict between the two brothers in this story when I hear it or read it, I think that the dynamic between them can exist to various extents in any interpersonal relationship.  We are always at risk of becoming jealous of others, rather than sharing in the joy of their triumphs, whether it be their realizing their true vocation, or their overcoming a personal challenge.  We always have the choice of insisting on our own perceptions of a situation, rather than trying to view circumstances from their point of view.

Accordingly, I felt a certain choice I recently had to make was clear.  During Lent, we offer additional prayers.  Thus in Lent we meet in the church on Sunday evenings and say Compline, which we normally don't practice in our recitation of the Liturgy of the Hours.  Just before Compline starts, here at the hermitage there is a brief reading about the lives of some of the Desert Fathers.  Normally the novice monk here at the hermitage reads this excerpt, but on this one particular night he wasn't going to be present, so he charged me with selecting and reading a quotation.  In looking through the book before Compline, given the interpersonal tension we had just reviewed in the Gospel reading of the return of the Prodigal Son, I immediately chose the following reading when I came across it.

Two brothers would often argue.  Finally, one of them said, "What are we going to do?  We are always arguing."  The other replied, "I know what we will do.  From now on, I will argue your side, and you will argue my side."  They followed this practice for the rest of their lives. 

- paraphrased from "By Way of the Desert: 365 Daily Readings"
compiled and modernized by Bernard Bangley

Declaring My Love

On February 14, Valentine's Day, I moved in here at New Camaldoli Hermitage.  Just before Vespers, at 5:45 p.m. that day, I received the smock I wear as a postulant.  It is much like a monk's habit, except it ends at my hips, whereas a monk's habit goes down a little below his ankles.

The monks and I gathered in a circle.  The prior sprinkled first the smock, and then me, with holy water.  He welcomed me into the community.  Then I went around the circle and embraced each of the monks.  Thus I was inducted into the community here at the hermitage.  

On that day, I began formally living this monastic lifestyle, prominently focusing on my relationship with God.  On Valentine's Day, I declared my love for the Lord our God.