You can only do what you have been given power to do. I definitely do not have the grace to be celibate, so I am in the process of transitioning out of being a monk.
I have been struggling with this question for years. This is not a brash decision. In consultation with my spiritual director I arrived at this point. All things considered, it is not surprising to be leaving for this reason.
In addition to spiritual direction, I've read quite a bit about celibacy and sexuality. In that reading, I found the confirmation that celibacy is not something you can live if you don't have the grace for it.
Consequently, after I move out of the hermitage, which will probably be in a few weeks, I expect to return to dating. Someday I hope and pray that I'll get married.
In the meantime, I have been well supported by my fellow monks who are wishing me well. While they have said they're disappointed I'm leaving, they're supporting me in the discernment decision I've made.
I've also been marvelously supported by the community of oblates. These lay people who live out contemplative practices in their everyday lives are warmly encouraging me to become an oblate, which I plan to do.
It's a tremendous help knowing I will be part of the extended spiritual community of the hermitage. I had been dreading giving up so many of the benefits of living here, namely the spiritual community, the communal prayer, the silence, and the solitude, among so many other blessings. However, now I realize that God still will be bestowing so many of these blessings on me, partly through the oblate community, and partly since I will be coming back to visit the hermitage.
I'm also immensely comforted knowing, in the midst of my final discernment decision to stop being a monk, that God loves me after this decision I am making. In today's Gospel, Jesus looked with love at the rich young man who told Jesus that he had kept all of the commandments and who asked what else he needed to do. Then Jesus told him that he lacked one thing; He told the rich young man that if he wished to be perfect, to go and sell all he had and he would have treasure in Heaven. Then Jesus told the rich young man to follow Him, but the rich young man went away sad.* Yet Jesus still loved him. And Jesus loves me after this decision I am making to stop being a monk.
After the rich young man went away sad, Jesus remarked about how hard it was for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God. Jesus noted that it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God. Then Jesus explained that what is impossible for people, is possible for God. What you can't do without grace, you can do with grace. However, you have to be given that grace, and I have not been given the grace to be celibate, so it's impossible for me to be a monk. However, I am still loved, by my fellow monks, by the extended spiritual community including the oblates, and most of all by God. Therefore I will be leaving the hermitage full of love.
* Mark 10:17-27
